Check out our quick action guide at the end of this article.
You’re three songs into Sunday worship when it hits you. That jarring chord rings out again – the same wrong one your guitarist has been hitting despite rehearsal this week. Your bass player shoots you a look. And there, behind the kit, sits someone who’s served faithfully for years but just can’t seem to lock in with the band no matter how many times you’ve worked through the songs together.
This moment arrives for every worship leader eventually. A team member you care about isn’t meeting the musical demands, and pretending otherwise isn’t helping anyone.
Before You Say Anything
Take a breath. This isn’t about firing someone or crushing dreams. It starts with examining your own heart.
Spend time in prayer first. Ask God to show you whether this comes from genuine concern for your team and congregation, or just personal frustration. The difference matters enormously.
Here’s what most leaders miss: investigate before you intervene. Don’t launch into feedback mode without understanding what changed. That faithful drummer who used to nail every song might be dealing with a sick parent, job stress, or burnout you know nothing about.
Schedule coffee. Not a “we need to talk” meeting, but a genuine check-in. Ask how life is going. Listen to their answers. You might discover the real issue has nothing to do with practice time or ability.
Building the Right Environment
Great feedback happens in great cultures. If your team only hears from you when something’s wrong, any conversation feels like an ambush.
Start verbalizing your vision regularly. Why do you push for excellence? Not because you’re a perfectionist, but because sloppy execution distracts people from worship. When everyone understands the “why,” individual feedback feels less personal.
Make feedback normal. Announce to your whole team that you’re creating a culture where everyone grows together. Ask your most secure players for input during rehearsal. When they see you receiving criticism gracefully, it becomes safer for everyone.
Write down your expectations. Vague standards create confusion and conflict. Be specific: “Team members practice their parts before rehearsal.” “Drummers maintain consistent tempo with the click track.” Having clear, written expectations makes conversations objective rather than opinion-based.
The Actual Conversation
Location and timing matter enormously. Private, face-to-face, unhurried. Never in front of others, never over text.
Practice beforehand. Run through what you’ll say with your spouse or another pastor. Hearing yourself speak the words helps you adjust your tone.
Start with genuine appreciation. “Your heart for worship has blessed our team for years. I’m grateful for your faithfulness.” Mean it. Don’t just say it.
Use “I” statements when describing the problem. “I’ve noticed the tempo has been inconsistent during our sets lately. I’ve also wondered if you’ve had less time to practice recently.” This opens dialogue instead of putting them on the defensive.
Pause and ask questions. “How are you feeling about your playing right now?” “What obstacles are making it hard to prepare?” Listen carefully. Their answers will shape everything that follows.
Connect the conversation back to your shared mission. “The drummer anchors our whole band’s unity. When the timing struggles, it affects everyone’s ability to lead worship well.”
Work together on solutions. Maybe they need a practice pad for home. Maybe drum lessons would help. Maybe stepping back to once a month instead of twice gives them space to prepare properly. Don’t just identify problems; collaborate on fixes.
End with clear next steps and a follow-up timeline. “Let’s try this plan for the next month and reconnect to see how it’s going.”
What Happens Next
Best case scenario: they respond well and improve. Celebrate this publicly when appropriate. It reinforces the positive culture you’re building.
Sometimes they try hard but still can’t reach the standard. This reveals a skill ceiling, not a character issue. The conversation shifts from preparation to placement. “I see your effort and appreciate it. The musical direction we’re heading might not fit your current abilities. Let’s talk about other ways you can serve.”
Occasionally, people respond defensively or ignore the feedback entirely. This requires directness. “We discussed this a few weeks ago, but I haven’t seen changes. I need you to take a break from the team while you work on these areas.”
Some leaders suggest moving struggling drummers to secondary percussion. Be careful here. An off-time tambourine player can be just as distracting as an off-time drummer. This often avoids the necessary conversation without actually solving anything.
The Weight of Leadership
These conversations drain you emotionally. That’s normal and okay. You’re not just managing a band; you’re shepherding people while stewarding your congregation’s worship experience.
The tension between loyalty and excellence never fully disappears. But choosing to have difficult conversations with grace and truth honors both the person and the calling.
Your drummer might feel hurt initially. Some relationships may change. But avoiding these conversations doesn’t protect anyone. It just lets problems fester while your team and congregation suffer.
Lead with courage. Approach with compassion. Hold onto your convictions about excellence serving worship, not the other way around.
The hardest conversations often become the most important ones you’ll have as a leader.
⚡Quick Action Guide: The Difficult Team Member Conversation
Before the Conversation
- Pray and check your motives – is this about genuine team health or personal frustration?
- Schedule a casual check-in first – ask about their life, not their performance
- Identify if it’s a heart, skill, or will issue
- Practice the conversation with a trusted friend or spouse
Create the Right Culture First
- Regularly share your “why” – excellence serves worship, removes distractions
- Make feedback normal for everyone, including yourself
- Write clear team expectations and standards
- Give 5 positive comments for every 1 piece of constructive feedback
The Conversation Framework
- Location: Private, face-to-face, unhurried
- Start: Genuine appreciation for their service and heart
- Observe: Use “I” statements about specific issues you’ve noticed
- Listen: Ask how they’re feeling and what obstacles they face
- Connect: Tie feedback back to your shared mission and vision
- Collaborate: Work together on practical solutions and resources
- Follow-up: Set clear next steps and timeline for checking in
Possible Outcomes
- Positive response: Celebrate improvements publicly when appropriate
- Good effort, limited skill: Redirect to different serving opportunities
- Defensive/no change: Direct conversation about taking a break from team
Remember
- These conversations are emotionally draining – that’s normal
- You’re shepherding people while stewarding worship
- Avoiding difficult conversations helps no one
- Lead with courage, compassion, and conviction
